My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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