margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
