I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
