so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
