I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
