I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Barsexuality is the new black.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
