i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
