When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
