I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
