I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Your cock deserves a montage
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize