I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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