My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
operation have a gay friend backfired
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize