the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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