wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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