A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
