So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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