listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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