When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
