Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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