Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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