Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can text with my tongue
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
