my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My breath smells like gin and sadness
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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