Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
