seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
