Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
