I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
