Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
