Just fell off a train. Bad.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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