so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The struggles of a small town man whore
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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