I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Randomize
