But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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