where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
