I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
