what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
