shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
