the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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