can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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