Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
