Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
we made out on top of his cat.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize