was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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