you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I can text with my tongue
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
40s are totally the cure
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
