a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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