Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
