i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
