Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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