I want to have your abortion
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
