I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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