Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
