...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
