FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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