the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
