I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
