I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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