I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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