I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
