ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
